Fairy Godmother Dating Agency
ACT I
SCENE 1
FAIRY GODMOTHERS' LOBBY. Inside an enormous tree trunk with a large tree stump serving as a table and several, harassed and very busy fairy godmothers scribbling on parchment around it, flicking their wands to move . A large door appears from nowhere. One of the fairy godmothers notices and informs them all and they try to decide who will answer the door, pointing and prodding each other in a huddle. Eventually BLUEBOTTLE emerges and walks dejectedly to the door.
BLUEBOTTLE takes a deep breath and is suddenly incredibly perky, opening the door and curtsying.
BLUEBOTTLE
Good afternoon and welcome to The Fairy Godmother Centre for Romance, for all your romantic needs. I am your host, Mistress Bluebottle.
A HANDSOME PRINCE enters, hands on hips, looking into the distance, cape fluttering and sword glinting in the sunshine from the door behind him. The door is closed by BLUEBOTTLE and it disappears back into the tree.
HANDSOME PRINCE
Why thank you, Fairy Godmother Bluebottle and greetings Fairy Godmothers
The HANDSOME PRINCE flashes a winning smile in their direction. Remaining fairy godmothers all fake giggling as a response, over animated, and snap back to work in unison once he has stopped looking at them.
HANDSOME PRINCE (Continued)
I have journeyed from afar to find your guidance, oh wise ones, for I am yet to find the one who sets my soul alight, whose mere presence can calm wars, nay, stop time itself! Her beauty will be written about for years to come, her wisdom will surpass all of the elders in all the lands, her wit and charm would win over trolls themselves. In short, Godmother, I am looking for a wife. For my Princess.
There is a pause as that speech is digested.
BLUEBOTTLE
Well my Prince, you have come to the right place. We Fairy Godmothers have been providing services to match deserving women with deserving Princes for over seven hundred years. We use the latest techniques in compatibility to find you the optimal partner. And through our patented tree technology, we give you the opportunity to meet the partner in question before you make any matrimonial decisions. Now, let me grab your file, and we can get started.
BLUEBOTTLE swishes her wand and a large file appears in her hands and gestures at the stairs which spiral around the tree.
HANDSOME PRINCE
Oh.
BLUEBOTTLE
Oh?
HANDSOME PRINCE
I thought you said magic words. Not just flick a wand.
BLUEBOTTLE
I can say magic words as well.
BLUEBOTTLE flicks her wand and the file disappears.
BLUEBOTTLE
Squibbly bobbly goo!
The file again appears in BLUEBOTTLE's hands. The HANDSOME PRINCE claps his hands together in delight.
HANDSOME PRINCE
Marvellous! That was much better, don't you think? Shall we ascend? It really is much more impressive with words.
BLUEBOTTLE
Thank you for your feedback, Sire.
The HANDSOME PRINCE looks around the interior and BLUEBOTTLE stares at him with a mixture of amusement and confusion.
The HANDSOME PRINCE and BLUEBOTTLE exit up the stairs.
ACT I
SCENE 2
BLUEBOTTLE's office has a smaller tree trunk desk, two chairs, and a large magic mirror stands in the middle of the office. There are crooked pictures on the wall of happy couples who have been set up as part of the Fairy Godmother scheme. Some notable pictures are Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin and Jazmin. The HANDSOME PRINCE ensures that he takes a seat in a princely manner, cloak swishing, manspreading and leaning on his sword.
BLUEBOTTLE
Well, here we are in the gateway to your future! Firstly, how much do you know about how our service works?
HANDSOME PRINCE
Barely anything, to be honest. I was recommended it by a friend but they didn't go into details.
BLUEBOTTLE
We here at The Fairy Godmother Centre for Romance do not believe in time and space coming between true love. We use the power of nature to take you to wherever your fair Princess lies and, should you be compatible, you can bring her back to your Kingdom where you live happily ever after. All you need is a piece of bark from a tree in her time and a magic mirror and your dreams will come true.
The HANDSOME PRINCE moves towards the mirror eagerly.
HANDSOME PRINCE
Marvelous! Let's get started.
BLUEBOTTLE holds her hands up to stop him.
BLUEBOTTLE
Just a little paperwork to fill in first. I hope you understand. Contracts must be in place.
BLUEBOTTLE flicks her wand and a very long piece of parchment and a quill appear. The HANDSOME PRINCE looks at her expectantly and she realises that she has not said magic words.
BLUEBOTTLE
Ah yes. Flibbedy Gibbet!
The HANDSOME PRINCE is appeased.
The HANDSOME PRINCE starts to read the enormous document making 'um' and 'ah' noises as BLUEBOTTLE looks on, impatiently tapping her foot.
HANDSOME PRINCE
This is very specific. I mean, why would I lose my sight? And what on earth is a rope of hair?
BLUEBOTTLE
Just sign the form...Sire
Behind the HANDSOME PRINCE, the mirror shows a replay of another Prince rescuing Rapunzel and falling down. BLUEBOTTLE spots it and shushes the mirror, acting incognito when the HANDSOME PRINCE looks up.
The HANDSOME PRINCE signs the form exactly like Ariel in the Little Mermaid film. The signature glows and then the parchment disappears in smoke. The HANDSOME PRINCE is delighted and claps his hands again.
BLUEBOTTLE
Super! Now, we have designed simulations so that you can meet the Princesses, get to know them as we make a full copy of them, exactly how they would react in a scenario. We have to link our current timeline with those of our worthy women. This is done through the ancient connections of the tree sprites who leave their essence on bark and then...
The HANDSOME PRINCE looks bored and confused so BLUEBOTTLE stops mid sentence and gestures towards the mirror.
BLUEBOTTLE (Continued)
…no matter. After you, Sire.
HANDSOME PRINCE
Oh right, so I'm going straight in then? What should I say?
BLUEBOTTLE
I will be right beside you the entire time.
BLUEBOTTLE rifles through a stack of scraps of wood and grabs one triumphantly.
HANDSOME PRINCE
Ooh, what's that?
BLUEBOTTLE looks annoyed that he wasn't listening.
BLUEBOTTLE
I just said.
(Pause)
This is a piece of bark from the first Princess's time and location.
BLUEBOTTLE places the bark into the magic mirror and she and the HANDSOME PRINCE enter the mirror
.
ACT I
SCENE 3
BLUEBOTTLE and the HANDSOME PRINCE are in a forest glade and an enormous castle can be seen in the background. The HANDSOME PRINCE is amazed, looking around at every tree and touching everything he can, clapping his hands in delight.
HANDSOME PRINCE
This is so exiting, I'm in a different time. I'm a time traveller! I just walked through a tree!
The HANDSOME PRINCE spots the castle.
HANDSOME PRINCE (Continued)
Wait, that's my castle! We're...just back where I started?
The HANDSOME PRINCE looks very disappointed.
BLUEBOTTLE
It is indeed. The Princess is coming to stay this evening and I will pretend to be your mother.
BLUEBOTTLE places the wand on her head
BLUEBOTTLE
Whoosh!
The HANDSOME PRINCE has his back to BLUEBOTTLE.
HANDSOME PRINCE
You know, you really could try harder with the words. Wait wha-
BLUEBOTTLE is transformed into a glamorous, older woman in a black dress. The HANDSOME PRINCE turns.
HANDSOME PRINCE
Aaaah! What? No, I don't like this at all.
The HANDSOME PRINCE walks away from BLUEMOTHER and starts pressing the tree, trying to go back. BLUEMOTHER rolls her eyes and then gently takes him by the shoulder.
BLUEMOTHER
It'll be worth it, I promise. Now the Princess is going to arrive at your door. I will invite her in and conduct tests to see if she really is a Princess.
HANDSOME PRINCE
You're really getting into character. That's exactly the conniving, pointless nonsense my mother really excels at.
Several hours later... lights go dark to show night and then rise to day again. BLUEMOTHER and the HANDSOME PRINCE re-enter the glade, looking around.
BLUEMOTHER
I think we're clear of everyone. So, what did you think?
HANDSOME PRINCE
She was...fine.
BLUEMOTHER
Fine? Could you please elaborate?
HANDSOME PRINCE
Well she was very pretty, had good conversation. She just...wasn't for me.
BLUEMOTHER
Oh right. Well she's the first, we have plenty more but, in order to find the perfect person for you, I need more information on why she wasn't right.
BLUEMOTHER flicks her wand at herself and changes back into BLUEBOTTLE.
The HANDSOME PRINCE looks dreamily aside.
HANDSOME PRINCE
My favourite time of day is breakfast and I really love to sit in bad, against my feather pillows, and have breakfast in bed while reading my book, writing in my journal or reading correspondence. It really sets up the day.
BLUEBOTTLE
That's nice Sire, but I don't understand how it's relevant.
HANDSOME PRINCE
Well, if she can feel a pea through all those mattresses, she's not going to let me have my morning toast. Or she will let me, won't sleep, and will then be angry with me. There is nothing worse than a passive aggressive woman!
BLUEBOTTLE visibly has to control her temper at this statement before she recovers her countenance.
BLUEBOTTLE
Well, let's go back and try the next one. Hopefully she will meet your breakfast standards.
BLUEBOTTLE places the bark against the tree and stands beside to allow the HANDSOME PRINCE to enter.
ACT I
SCENE 4
BLUEBOTTLE and the HANDSOME PRINCE emerge from behind a large tree in a courtyard of an impressive looking palace. They both brush themselves down.
BLUEBOTTLE
I have a lovely prospect for you today, a really beautiful, kind, beloved Princess. She really is the fairest of them all.
HANDSOME PRINCE
Just as long as you're not being my mother again.
BLUEBOTTLE
No, for this I need only be invisible.
BLUEBOTTLE taps herself with the wand as the HANDSOME PRINCE whirls around.
BLUEBOTTLE
INVISIBOTTLE!
BLUEBOTTLE disappears.
INVISIBOTTLE
I must admit, saying the words with spells is fun.
HANDSOME PRINCE
Ok but where are...
Banging sound as the HANDSOME PRINCE walks into INVISIBOTTLE and stumbled backwards.
INVISIBOTTLE
Ow! Well I will make it so that you can see me. But I will be invisible to everyone else.
The HANDSOME PRINCE nods in agreement to where he thinks BLUEBOTTLE is.
INVISIBOTTLE
VISIPRINCE!
BLUEBOTTLE appears again, behind the HANDSOME PRINCE.
HANDSOME PRINCE
So who am I in this scenario?
BLUEBOTTLE
You are yourself, the Handsome Prince. Just meet her, see how you feel and, if she's right, we'll come back a bit later and save her from food poisoning.
The HANDSOME PRINCE looks confused.
BLUEBOTTLE
Never you mind that for now...ssh!
Singing is heard from a distance.
SNOW WHITE (off-screen)
Oh what a lovely, lovely day,
The air is cold and the sky is grey-ey
The rain may soon come out to play-ay
Monday, Monday, Mondaaaaaaay
BLUEBOTTLE forces a smile
BLUEBOTTLE
Great, hey?
The HANDSOME PRINCE looks incredulous
BLUEBOTTLE (continued)
I'll admit her lyrics need work. But she is lovely.
BLUEBOTTLE gestures at the door into the palace.
BLUEBOTTLE (continued)
After you, Sire.
They both enter.
Hours pass (the sun moves slightly to indicate morning to afternoon). BLUEBOTTLE and the HANDSOME PRINCE are already mid conversation and BLUEBOTTLE has lost her temper. The HANDSOME PRINCE is spluttering and trying to calm her down.
BLUEBOTTLE
...I don't understand. She was fabulous...
HANDSOME PRINCE
Yes, but...
BLUEBOTTLE
...her needlework and drawings were stunning, her conversation was effervescent...
HANDSOME PRINCE
Well you see...
BLUEBOTTLE
...and then you turn to me and say 'No' and that's it!
HANDSOME PRINCE
You haven't really been listening.
BLUEBOTTLE throws her hands in the air.
BLUEBOTTLE
Fine! What was wrong with her?
HANDSOME PRINCE
Nothing was wrong with her as such but...
He cowers somewhat at BLUEBOTTLE's glare
HANDSOME PRINCE
...well I'm a Prince you see.
BLUEBOTTLE
No. You don't say!
HANDSOME PRINCE mumbling
Well I'm not, I'm not really...
BLUEBOTTLE
Do speak up or I'll have to cast a amplifying spell on you.
HANDSOME PRINCE
Look at me.
BLUEBOTTLE complies and looks at him, impatiently.
HANDSOME PRINCE
I'm not handsome
BLUEBOTTLE
Don't be daft. You're a Handsome Prince. That's why you're here.
HANDSOME PRINCE
Yes. I'm a handsome Prince. But, if I weren't a Prince, I would be merely passable, not handsome.
BLUEBOTTLE
What? I don't understand.
PRINCE gets dramatic and flounces like a damsel, throwing his hands into the air.
PRINCE
She liked me because I'm a Prince. I would like someone who sees me for me. I would like them to see past the Prince and still find something there that they like, even if it isn't the dream man because, if they want perfection, they will only be disappointed.
BLUEBOTTLE's face contorts in a way that was ready to say 'get a grip' but then she calms, takes a big breath and places a smile again.
BLUEBOTTLE
Okay. We don't have to find you a Princess, we can find you an ordinary girl and introduce you in such a way that she doesn't know that you're a Prince. Then you'll get to meet her and know if she likes you when you're not a Prince. Would that help?
PRINCE flashes winning smile now that he has his way.
PRINCE
Yes. Yes that would help.
BLUEBOTTLE and the PRINCE walk back through the mirror. A face appears in the mirror behind them.
MAGIC MIRROR
Blue! You forgot to remove the invisibility spell
BLUEBOTTLE
Oops! Thanks Nigel!
PRINCE double takes at the mirror and BLUEBOTTLE and then shrugs it off.
ACT I
SCENE 5
PRINCE and BLUEBOTTLE are standing in front of the magic mirror which shimmers and shows a wood which is darker than those which have previously been visited.
PRINCE
Is it always a wood?
BLUEBOTTLE
Not always but there is always a tree nearby that we can appear in discreetly. Now, we need to be quick with this one. After you, Sire.
PRINCE puts one foot into the mirror and then stares into the mirror and grandly speaks to it.
PRINCE
Thank you very much for setting up the portal, Nigel, and for all of your help thus far.
MAGIC MIRROR
Why thank you, Sire.
PRINCE steps into the mirror and disappears
MAGIC MIRROR (continued)
I like this Prince. He recognises that I exist.
BLUEBOTTLE
Nigel, you really need to have more stringent requirements for liking people.
BLUEBOTTLE then walks into the mirror as the MAGIC MIRROR chuckles.
PRINCE is looking around the forest.
PRINCE
It's quite spooky, this one. So, what are you going to be? Invisible, my mother or another type of Ogre?
BLUEBOTTLE stifles a snort of laughter and then snaps back into the default perky persona.
BLUEBOTTLE
Actually, this time you are on your own. There is a cottage in the woods nearby and you just need to go in and speak to the occupant. As we agreed, she is a nice, ordinary citizen and you will not be appearing as a Prince to her.
BLUEBOTTLE flicks her wand at the Prince and shouts.
BLUEBOTTLE (continued)
Common!
PRINCE
Well I say! That's rather rude. Oh!
The PRINCE looks in surprise as he is now a woodcutter. He spins around.
PRINCE
It does take some getting used to not having my cape swishing as I move.
BLUEBOTTLE
It is a plight known by all commoners, Sire. Now, please pay attention as I tell you the route to the cottage.
PRINCE continues to swish and spin in his new attire as BLUEBOTTLE speaks.
BLUEBOTTLE (continued)
Follow the path and then take the left when it forks. Keep going until you come across the second fork in the path and take another left and then the cottage will be on your right.
Sire, do you know where you are going?
PRINCE
Oh, yes yes. I am excellent with directions.
BLUEBOTTLE
Very well then. I will be awaiting your return here.
Time passes and BLUEBOTTLE slumps beside the tree and falls asleep. She is awoken by the PRINCE wandering down the path and, when he sees her, bursts out into mirthful laughter.
PRINCE
Very good joke, very good!
BLUEBOTTLE looks completely baffled.
PRINCE (continued)
Of course I did need to be more specific on my requirements. I see now that I might have been a tad dramatic the other day about the whole 'handsome Prince' thing.
BLUEBOTTLE
Sire, I don't understand.
PRINCE
The woman in the cottage, of course! Old enough to be my Grandmother, bed-ridden and, between us, unusually hairy for one of the fairer sex.
PRINCE is still grinning but becomes more serious.
PRINCE (continued)
Of course some level of physical attraction is important. I should like to be with someone who I am attracted to and who is attracted to me because of more than my lands, money and title. Thank you for teaching me this valuable lesson.
BLUEBOTTLE pauses for longer than is natural, eyes bulging and narrowing slightly as she processes this information.
BLUEBOTTLE
You are most welcome, Sire. Um...am I right that you did not proceed directly to the cottage?
PRINCE looks sheepishly at the ground.
PRINCE
I might have been slightly lost. I did find the cottage once I heard a scream. The nice old lady had dropped her favourite tea cup, apparently. She was very kind and was keen on me staying for dinner but I decided I would rather eat once I get back to the palace. The food did not smell appetising.
BLUEBOTTLE stares at the Prince unable to say anything and then recovers her composure and flicks her wand.
BLUEBOTTLE
Prince!
The PRINCE is no longer in woodcutter clothes and is back in his royal garb. He swings his cape around appreciatively.
BLUEBOTTLE then creates the portal back through the magic mirror and she and the PRINCE exit.
BLUEBOTTLE (continued)
That is it for today, Sire.
PRINCE
Great. See you in a few days.
The PRINCE leaves the room and BLUEBOTTLE turns to the MAGIC MIRROR.
BLUEBOTTLE
Full reset on Red please, Nigel. And let's take off any of our ladies who require overpowering Ogres, Trolls or anything above a level two evil Stepmother.
MAGIC MIRROR
Your wish is my command.
BLUEBOTTLE
Oi! That's my line!
ACT II
SCENE 1
In BLUEBOTTLE's office and she is looking through piles of bark from a wide variety of trees. The PRINCE is looking at her, expectantly. Eventually, BLUEBOTTLE holds up two pieces of bark and is looking between them.
BLUEBOTTLE
Well we have two options for today to try.
PRINCE
Are they age appropriate?
BLUEBOTTLE
Everyone on our books is age appropriate. It just depends on your preferences.
BLUEBOTTLE looks up at the PRINCE, daring him to argue.
BLUEBOTTLE (continued)
One of our options is a Princess, wonderful singer and a really good swimmer. How do you feel about fish?
PRINCE
I love fish! It's my favourite course of a banquet; cod, clams, oysters, crab. I even had whale once.
BLUEBOTTLE places one piece of bark down very quickly. In the background, the magic mirror briefly shows the silhouette of a mermaid.
BLUEBOTTLE
Best not, let's go for this girl. She inherited some money from a relative so let's go to her manor for dinner.
PRINCE
Sounds good. What are you going as?
BLUEBOTTLE
Well I have a few options. I could be invisible, a horse, your mother again...
PRINCE
No!
BLUEBOTTLE grins in amusement at the level of his protestations.
PRINCE
Sorry. How about you go as you? Well, not as a fairy Godmother, but as my travelling companion. You just might need to lose some of the layers and...um...sparkles.
BLUEBOTTLE is flattered and gives a small smile.
BLUEBOTTLE
I can do that.
BLUEBOTTLE taps her gown and it drops to a sensible size and a dark blue colour. The sparkles disappear and her hair changes from elaborate curls to a simple plait.
BLUEBOTTLE (continued)
Civvies!
BLUEBOTTLE heads to the mirror which dissolves into a woodland scene and turns, about to gesture the PRINCE in first.
PRINCE
No. After you.
BLUEBOTTLE
Oh. Thank you, Sire.
The mirror shows a game of solitaire being played and completed. The mirror then dissolves into the same woodland scene as earlier and BLUEBOTTLE and the PRINCE enter, laughing.
PRINCE
What a nightmare!
BLUEBOTTLE
I feel so sorry for the chef.
PRINCE
I mean, when she sent back the soup the third time for being too hot, or was that too cold?
BLUEBOTTLE
I can't remember. Tasted fine to me.
PRINCE
Oh that was great, when you snapped at her and said it was 'Just right.' I choked on my wine which was definitely not corked, no matter what she said.
BLUEBOTTLE looks a little embarrassed.
BLUEBOTTLE
Sorry. I lost my temper. I shouldn't have done that. Got a bit too much into character.
PRINCE
No apologies, she was horrible! And what strange décor choices as well. Why all the bearskins?
BLUEBOTTLE
Well I think her designated Fairy Godmother hasn't been keeping an eye on her...choices. We'll have to take her off the books until that deviation is rectified.
PRINCE
That was fun. I mean, it's a definite no, but entertaining all the same. We should do that again.
BLUEBOTTLE smiles as the PRINCE leaves, pauses for a moment, and then gets back to sorting through the piles of bark.
ACT II
SCENE 2
BLUEBOTTLE enters her office to find the PRINCE already inside, talking softly to the Magic Mirror. The PRINCE spots her and steps away from the mirror, quickly and guiltily.
PRINCE
There you are! I was wondering when you'd arrive.
BLUEBOTTLE looks confused and checks a watch which appears on her wrist.
BLUEBOTTLE
I don't understand. I'm not late. How long have you been here?
PRINCE
A couple of minutes, it doesn't matter. Who have you got for me today?
The PRINCE gestures at a piece of bark in BLUEBOTTLE's hand. She looks at it, still uncertain, and then resumes her usual business mode.
BLUEBOTTLE
I have a treat for you today. One of our best options has just become available.
PRINCE
How does someone become available? Surely, once they're chosen, they go and live happily ever after and do not need your services any more.
BLUEBOTTLE
True but she did not get to the ever after stage. Once you choose your Princess, they are, for want of a better phrase, reserved until you prove that you deserve them. But we don't need to talk about that now! Let's get on and see the next girl.
The PRINCE raises his hand as if he is going to ask a question and then waves it away.
PRINCE
Sure, let's go! Can you go as you again?
BLUEBOTTLE
Okay. I can do that.
BLUEBOTTLE taps herself with her wand and changes to the same outfit as the previous outing. The PRINCE doesn't even mention that she forgot to say a word with the spell. He gestures for her go first through the mirror.
ACT II
SCENE 3
BLUEBOTTLE and the PRINCE enter a tree just outside the palace.
PRINCE
Ah! And we're at my palace again.
BLUEBOTTLE
We are indeed and you're going to have a ball for all of the eligible ladies in the kingdom.
PRINCE
Are we doing some speed dating or something similar?
BLUEBOTTLE
No, no. There's a particular woman who will be there. Merchant's daughter who is kind, clever, practical and beautiful. You'll know her when you see her, or her shoes.
The PRINCE looks confused.
PRINCE
I look forward to understanding what you mean. So what should I do until she arrives?
BLUEBOTTLE
Mingle and speak to your friends and family.
PRINCE
Will they remember this?
BLUEBOTTLE
They will if you choose this woman. They won't if you do not.
PRINCE
Ah. Right. So I can't tell everyone what I really think of them?
BLUEBOTTLE shakes her head
PRINCE (continued)
Fine. But can I introduce you to people?
BLUEBOTTLE
You can, I suppose. Although it's probably best not to mention my profession. People will attribute everything you ever achieve to you getting help from Fairies which you don't want.
PRINCE
True. Well I met you in my travels. Then you’l be nice and near so II can tell you what I think of everyone even if I can't tell them.
BLUEBOTTLE
That seems like a fair compromise.
PRINCE
Well, since you are attending the ball as my guest, you cannot go like that!
BLUEBOTTLE surveys her outfit and frowns. She taps her dress which stays the same colour but becomes a more formal style, her hair pulling into an updo.
BLUEBOTTLE
Better?
The PRINCE grins.
PRINCE
Perfect.
ACT II
SCENE 4
The mirror in BLUEBOTTLE's office shows the PRINCE talking to Cinderella, laughing and then dancing. It then cuts to him with a glass shoe in his hand, smiling.
BLUEBOTTLE and then the PRINCE exit the mirror into the office. The PRINCE is delighted, BLUEBOTTLE is visibly exhausted.
PRINCE
What a great evening! I don't know if I've enjoyed myself at a ball more. Shame it was cut short but, hey, plenty more events in the future.
BLUEBOTTLE
Well I am really glad you enjoyed yourself.
PRINCE
I did! I really did. How about you? Did you enjoy it. Sorry I had to abandon you when Ella arrived. Glass shoes - what an invention and perfectly fitted to her feet!
BLUEBOTTLE
Yes it was great to meet so many people, Sire.
The PRINCE stops for a moment and smiles dreamily.
PRINCE
I think it is safe to say that I have found my Princess. Can we discuss what to do next?
BLUEBOTTLE
We can, Sire. But not tonight. I'm rather tired. Let's discuss tomorrow morning.
PRINCE
Sure. It is late, I guess. Hardly noticed the time! Until tomorrow. Good night.
As the PRINCE leaves, BLUEBOTTLE closes the door to her office and then sits down at the desk, sadly staring into space.
ACT II
SCENE 5
BLUEBOTTLE's office is much neater. The piles of bark have been stacked in the corner, the desk is clear and the pictures at the back have been straightened. BLUEBOTTLE is pacing the room. When the PRINCE enters, she throws her hands up excitedly.
BLUEBOTTLE
Good morning, Sire! I trust you slept well. Today's the day when we discuss your future Princess. I have everything ready for you.
The PRINCE is much less animated than he was the previous evening. He takes a seat at the desk and looks at BLUEBOTTLE searchingly barely making pleasantries and skipping straight to business.
PRINCE
Good morning, Mistress Bluebottle. You mentioned the other day about Princes proving they deserve the women they meet through you. Could you provide more information?
BLUEBOTTLE continues with gusto, glancing uncertainly at the Prince who is sat very still at the table.
BLUEBOTTLE
Well, we here at the Fairy Godmother Centre for Romance take our potential Princesses very seriously. They are taking a big step to be with their Princes so it is only fair that the Princes prove their devotion in return. This is why each woman has an associated task for the Prince to perform to win her hand. There are also conditions to meet once you are married.
The PRINCE sits up slightly but otherwise stays the same.
PRINCE
I see. Out of interest, what are the tasks and conditions for the women that I have met so far?
BLUEBOTTLE
All of them?
The PRINCE nods. BLUEBOTTLE counts each of the women on her fingers and she goes and continues to move around the office.
BLUEBOTTLE (continued)
Well, Pea Princess you need to make her kingdom financially viable and to mentor her brother so that he will be an effective King.
With Snow, you need to fight her evil step-mother and provide her with training so that she can continue with her music and compositions. You do also need accommodation suitable for dwarves.
With Red, there are two conditions. You must fight a wolf but you must also take her Grandmother with you to live for the rest of her days.
Goldie, you are meant to broker peace with the bear family but she does appear to have...um...solved that problem all by herself.
The PRINCE smiles slightly at that.
PRINCE
And Ella?
At this point BLUEBOTTLE turns away to dust off the magic mirror.
BLUEBOTTLE
As you know, Ella ran off leaving only her glass slipper behind. To gain her hand in marriage, you must find her. She is being hidden away by her family - or what's left of it - but, if you try hard enough, you will find her again.
PRINCE
And what if I refused to do that. What if I just wanted to take Ella and run away with her now? I've paid good money. I can pay more.
BLUEBOTTLE spins from the mirror slowly, all energy gone and speaks very deliberately and seriously. She looks betrayed.
BLUEBOTTLE
Every woman we have here has a condition under which they will be moved to your time and location. If you do not meet the condition, you do not get your Princess. Yes, they all have horrible lives where they are currently but these are good women. They are worthy women. And, if you will not risk your life, your reputation, your money, or your time then you do not deserve them.
PRINCE
So there is no room for negotiation?
BLUEBOTTLE
Absolutely not.
BLUEBOTTLE and the PRINCE lock eyes firmly.
The PRINCE then smiles with relief, his entire posture relaxing in the chair, leaning backwards. As he speaks, he looks at his hands which are fidgeting in his lap.
PRINCE
I have a confession to make. I did not come here with the intention of finding a wife.
I came here to shut you down.
BLUEBOTTLE starts but is quiet.
PRINCE (continued)
I heard from a friend about this operation and frankly it sounded barbaric. Stealing women away to be brides for spoilt Princes? I had to do something to stop this. So I came here to find out more.
I tried to be the biggest fool ever, but you didn't let me get away with that for long, pushing me for more information when I was being obtuse and making it abundantly clear when you thought I was being an idiot.
BLUEBOTTLE looks ashamed, but the PRINCE is still smiling, though unable to meet her eye in case it puts him off his confession.
PRINCE (continued)
I decided to see as many women as I could so that, if they needed rescuing, I knew where to find them but, as we went along, I realised that they did not need help. And then, to my surprise, I found myself taking the whole process a lot more seriously. I think I may even have found the person I wish to marry.
I took the opportunity to have a really good chat with Ella last night. I found out about her parents, her step-mother and sisters, her quality of life. I actually asked her what would she say if she had the opportunity to leave it all behind, even if she could never go back.
BLUEBOTTLE
And what did she say?
PRINCE
She didn't hesitate. She would leave and never even look back.
Last night I was so happy because I knew that this was all fine and I had found my Princess.
And then I realised that I had an answer to the first question from Ella, not that she'll remember. Was it fair to take the women away from their homes, from their entire time?
But I did not have an answer to the second: Are the Princes worthy of them? At least, I didn't have the answer until a few minutes ago.
That's why my elation was somewhat subdued today because I didn't want to partake in a system that was inherently unfair, possibly exploitative.
BLUEBOTTLE
That's an unexpectedly deep speech.
PRINCE
You're not the only one who plays to the stereotype.
The PRINCE briefly glances up from his hands for a second and meets BLUEBOTTLE's eyes and they smile at each other.
BLUEBOTTLE
Wait. Why did you say Ella would not remember? You chose her. She will remember the ball once you find her.
PRINCE
I said that because she is not the one I want to marry. You are.
BLUEBOTTLE makes a gargled sound in surprise and looks like she wants to say something but isn't sure what to say.
PRINCE
Oh wait! I should do this!
The PRINCE gets down on one knee.
PRINCE
In the past few weeks, you have challenged me and understood me more than any other person ever has. I think you have the strength, intelligence and grace to be a leader. You are the one that I have been looking forward to seeing each day and it was a joy last night to have you by my side during the ball.
I know that, if you do this, you give up your magic powers for the duration of our time together.
BLUEBOTTLE glares at the mirror, suddenly aware of why she caught the PRINCE talking to the mirror the previous day.
BLUEBOTTLE
You do, do you?
MAGIC MIRROR
Sorry.
PRINCE
So I am asking this for you, not for your powers. Bluebottle, will you marry me?
BLUEBOTTLE
I...well...I will. I do. Yes.
BLUEBOTTLE breaks into a slow smile until it is a wide grin.
BLUEBOTTLE (continued)
I just have one question. Um...what is your name?
The PRINCE has stood up to embrace her but stops and looks scandalised.
PRINCE
Wait, with all the research you have there, with all the time we have spent together, you don't...you don't know my name?
BLUEBOTTLE
You would be amazed how rarely that comes up.
They continue to argue, occasionally breaking into smiles and then snapping back into the debate. The light fades until only the swirling clouds in the magic mirror are visible.
And they lived happily ever after...
THE END